Haven't posted much here or over at Guns In the Gutters for a while; truth be told, I haven't written much at all for the last couple of weeks. (I'm sure my collaborators are glad to hear that!)
I've been suffering another prolonged stretch of low energy, poor concentration and chronic fatigue – what I used to think of as my "funks." Now I know that it's the result of what the doctors are calling my "extremely severe" sleep apnea, a condition that I've apparently been suffering since I was eighteen or so. According to my doctor, everything from my obesity to my high blood pressure to my somewhat underwhelming career may be – in part, anyway – attributable to my being chronically sleep-deprived.
Now that I know for sure, I feel somewhat relieved: I'm not neccesarily lazy or an under-achiever – I've been sick. But I'm also rather resentful; if it wasn't for this apnea shit, I might not weigh 300 lbs and might even be writing a regular book for DC or have a couple novels under my belt. Hey, it's possible... or might have been.
As for the last couple weeks, I don't know if being aware of my condition has actually made it worse, but it seems that since my sleep studies I've been sleeping even more poorly than usual; dozing off frequently while watching TV, unable to concentrate on work or even reading, taking more naps, getting up groggy... Writing is a struggle (even something like this) as my mind keeps wandering, and I can't seem to come up with workable solutions to various story problems. A couple days ago, I thought I'd licked a particularly vexing script problem, only to find myself stuck again. It's frustrating. I know I can do it, but it's just not coming.
Right now I'm waiting for cosmic forces – and insurance companies – to come into proper alignment so I can start treating the apnea with my own Bi-PAP machine. I don't expect it to be easy, or for it to turn my life around overnight, but I'm hoping that I see some improvement in my energy levels and mental focus, if nothing else. That alone would be miraculous.
Anyway, my apologies for both the infrequent postings, and the boring, self-indulgent drivel in this entry. But then, what are personal blogs for, if not self-indulgent drivel?